


I Think Your Mouth Should be Quiet (’Cause It Never Tells the Truth)

by orphan_account



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: A lot of TWs, Angst, Autistic!Dan, Bisexual!Dan, But it's basically, Demisexual!Dan, F/M, I will post them all inside the fic, M/M, Uuuuuh, Yeah warning at the end of the beginning notes peace
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-24
Updated: 2015-07-24
Packaged: 2018-04-11 00:24:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,356
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4413725
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><b>Summary:</b> Dan is autistic and tries to learn how to deal with it<br/>-<br/>Secondary school is nothing like he expected, it turns out. He has a few friends, which is enough. He likes them. They make him feel like someone.</p><p>His best friend is amazing. They joke and play games and he smells amazing. He doesn’t know Dan has a crush on his sister, but that’s okay.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Think Your Mouth Should be Quiet (’Cause It Never Tells the Truth)

**Author's Note:**

> okay so before everyone loses their shit, let me explain. i am autistic. i have aspergers which causes my chronical social anxiety. these are all _my_ experiences, but into words by me. this is in no way meant to cast aspersions on the irl dan.
> 
>  
> 
> _this is a work of fiction, purely meant to entertain/educate people a bit more about autism._
> 
>  
> 
> (also the writing style here is kinda weird but bear with me.)
> 
> (also also written for my bud [camisadan](http://camisadan.tumblr.com) because fuck yeah autism)
> 
>  
> 
>  **Warnings:** autism, low self-esteem, self-hatred, implied self-harm, anxiety attack, unrequited love

Secondary school is nothing like he expected, it turns out. He has a few friends, which is enough. He likes them. They make him feel like someone.

His best friend is amazing. They joke and play games and he smells amazing. He doesn’t know Dan has a crush on his sister, but that’s okay.

Then his best friend leaves him for better friends. It makes his chest ache and tears stream down his face.

(He doesn’t cry because of his best friend, he’s heartbroken because of his sister. He is.)

His mum tells him it’s okay and brings him cookies. He tells her how much he’s going to miss him and how he wants him back.

(He can’t really lie to himself can he.)

 

* * * * * 

 

He has new friends now. They’re better than his best friend. He easily forgets about him.

(Not to mention, these actually like him.)

His confidence shatters a bit when he walks down a corridor. PJ is crying. He should feel horrible, should want to comfort PJ, should mean it if he does.

(He doesn't.)

It doesn't bother him, not really. He likes PJ. PJ is his friend, of course he likes him. That's why he does it anyway, sitting down next to him and trying to provide sympathy he doesn't feel.

 

* * * * * 

 

He’s next to PJ when they get to sit behind a girl in class. Dan knows her, he hasn’t talked much with her, but she’s nice.

They talk a lot a few months after that. Mary makes him laugh and she smells good.

(Sometimes, Dan thinks he has a crush on her. Other times, they’re just friends.)

When the teacher comments on Mary’s infatuation with him and PJ, Mary blushes and ducks her head.

(Dan doesn’t blush at all. He doesn’t.)

 

* * * * * 

 

PJ, Chris and him go to the theatre. The films really awesome and Dan’s completely enraptured by the storyline. When it’s over, he turns to ask PJ and Chris about what they thought, but all they do is talk about how pretty Angelina Jolie is.

(Dan can see why, because she is, but he isn’t attracted to her. He thinks it’s weird, because boys are supposed to be obsessed with boobs.

When he asks his mum about it, she tells him it’s just because he’s still young. He believes her.)

 

* * * * * 

 

' _You know, I think I'm demisexual._ '

Dan frowns. He googles it before replying.

(The definition changes his entire perspective on life. He doesn't admit it to himself, but he thinks about it.

When he tells his mum a few days afterwards, she just smiles at him and tells him he's too young to know for sure. He isn't.)

 

* * * * * 

 

His friends keep telling him he has a crush on Mary. He doesn’t. They’re just good friends.

He ignores the warm feeling in his stomach, pretends he doesn’t feel it because it wouldn’t work anyway. Dan is ugly and disgusting and nobody can love him.

 

 * * * * *

 

His girlfriend is, well, wonderful. Dan likes him a lot. Mary stares at him and worships him and Dan's the centre of his universe.

(He can't fully return the sentiment. That's why Dan wants to break it off.)

(Shut up.)

At 11pm he's crying and he sends a text to his girlfriend. She's there in two minutes. She hugs him and provides him with sympathy she does feel.

(It feels good. Maybe Dan should keep her a little longer.)

(He shouldn't.)

His girlfriend wants to kiss him into oblivion, and Dan would let him if he wanted to as well. Dan breaks it off a few days later.

(Don’t get him wrong, Mary is a wonderful person, but he just doesn’t like her that way anymore.)

When Mary walks out of his house, crying, Dan doesn’t feel anything. It worries him, but he pretends it isn’t there. It’s not important anyway.

 

* * * * *

 

There’s a group of four boys and they mingle with his. It’s okay, they’re nice and he likes them. He becomes the leader of the group and he doesn’t mind.

(He always is.)

One of the boys throw PJ’s glasses in the trashcan and PJ starts to cry again. Dan feels anger inside of him and he tells one of the teacher about it.

(He ignores the lack of worry and sympathy for his friend because it’s not important.

When they try to make it up to him, he ruthlessly turns them down. He doesn’t care when they walk away sadly. They should’ve been nicer.

(He’s not angry at them anymore, not really, but he has to show people they can’t mess with him somehow, right?)

At the prom one of them walks over to him and tells him to fuck off. That’s when he knows he’s really messed up.

(He always takes jokes and anger to far. He should’ve stopped sooner.

How should he have known?)

 

* * * * *

 

There are too many people around him. Faces pass by, flashing before his mind’s eye and imprinting in his head. It’s warm. Too warm. Someone lays a hand on his shoulder.

He’s panting, slumping over as someone hugs him. He claws at them. It’s suffocating. He wants everything to stop. He wants to run to the tallest building and jump off of it.

(It scares him. He doesn’t want to die. He just wants it to stop.)

 

* * * * * 

 

Charlie is amazing. Her eyes are blue and Dan loves blue eyes. He should’ve seen it coming, but he realises it when it’s his birthday and she’s sitting in his lap. She’s warm and firm against him and it feels so good.

(He’s in love with her. Why does he always have to be in love with friends?)

PJ asks him about it and Dan tells him everything. He realises he’s been in love with her for a long time. He just pretended he didn’t know.

(That’s when he realises he’s good at that too.)

 

* * * * * 

 

Charlie rejects him. He had it coming of course, he’s fat and disgusting and ugly and horrible and a liar and nobody wants him. It hurt more than he thought it would.

He calls in sick at school and lays in bed the entire day. Knives are stabbing his chest and he can’t stop crying.

(He’s felt like that before. With his first best friend. He always thought he was bisexual, now he knows for sure.)

 

* * * * * 

 

He keeps staring at the red line on his wrist. It’s unnoticable, but Dan knows its significance. It reminds him he’s different than the rest. He’s weird and he deserves to be punished.

(He wants attention. He feels misunderstood and not noticed and contemplates doing it again when nobody gives him the light of day.)

Then Phil comes into play. He quickly becomes his best friends and tells him he loves Dan, how much he means to him and it isn’t long until he feels the familiar warmth unfurling in his chest.

(He warned him, he did, but he was too stubborn. He told him he was going to fall in love with him, but nobody ever listens.)  
  
He’s chatting with him when he comes out as bisexual and tells him he has a crush on a girl. Dan feels entire world collapse and cries as the knives return.

 

* * * * * 

 

Phil has known for a long time, it turns out. He tells him he doesn’t mind, but Dan’s not really sure of that. Everything’s going to change now, it always does. He hasn’t told his parents about his crush on him, but he’s sure they suspect something when they walk into his room and find him crying again.

(He should’ve known. He should’ve known. He’s never good enough for anyone. Why can’t he have normal friendships. He should’ve known.)

 

* * * * * 

 

If Dan is honest with himself, his life isn’t that bad. He has great friends, a hobby and nice parents.

(They aren’t homophobic, but won’t accept his sexuality until he has proof or comes out at 23, so he can wait.)

He still cries, still feels knives sometimes, but it’s okay now. He’s gotten used to it.

(He hasn’t, not really. But as long as he tells himself he has, he’ll be alright.)

**Author's Note:**

> right okay so i hope you enjoyed (or well enjoyed might not be the right word) this. like i said, i don’t want to cast aspersion on dan, i merely want to educate people because the way people think about autistic people really bothers me. if you have any further questions, you’re welcome to ask me ^^


End file.
